From the Archives: Mom Guilt

Here is a post I wrote June 16th, 2009, when Dexter was one month old.  I thought it was good to remember at this early stage with Maxwell.  It is amazing what all I learned with Dexter...he certainly stretched me and broke me in as a first time mom.  Honestly, it is really refreshing to look back and realize that a lot of the guilt I felt with Dexter just isn't here with Maxwell.  Not that it won't rear its ugly head in new ways in the future...

Mom Guilt: Let Freedom Ring!

Tuesday, June 16

As a mom-to-be I of course read through as many recommended parenting books as I could find. I wanted to be the most prepared mom and these books promised me the 'best' way to do that. They promise contented babies who grow up to be responsible members of society...even the possibility they could sleep through the night by 4 weeks.

The old saying comes to mind: "if its too good to be true, it probably is."

Ok, not that these books don't all have some element of truth and helpful advice. Thanks for the new jiggle technique and the usefulness of white noise Happiest Baby; thanks for the benefits of following some sort of schedule Baby Wise; thanks for the E.A.S.Y. schedule Baby Whisperer. Each in their own way has helpful tips and has contributed to my overall understanding of mom techniques and how to relate to my newborn. But here is a warning - for my baby (and I am sure others) they don't even begin to solve all my problems. Additionally, I've come to realize these last few weeks, these books can also have a very negative effect on the first-time mom. Throw in postpartum blues, mom guilt, and a dash of isolation and you have the mix for the perfect storm.

Week 3 rolled around, my mom had left, and I was beginning to feel pretty confident doing this motherhood thing. I had my semi-schedule down, Dexter slept without a hitch between feedings, and he was more than content to be handed off to visitors whenever they stopped by. I figured I could be out and about in no time as I had the baby thing down. Then the screaming started. At first it would just be for a short time after eating and I figured it was a growth spurt. Just feed him a little more, he would drift off - problem solved. Then he started to wake up after 30min screaming. Hmmm...this was a little harder. Then began the 'discussions'. Should we feed him? No, he can't be hungry. But he won't stop screaming. Well, you know the book warns against feeding for every little thing. But he sounds like he is in pain - I want to help. Well, do you think feeding will help? Maybe we should just walk/shush/swaddle/etc more. Oh then came the guilt! Guilt that my baby is crying and I won't/can't help. Guilt I am creating a monster who will never 'self-soothe'. Guilt he'll never sleep through the night alone. Guilt he will only calm down now if I nurse him. Guilt, guilt, guilt.

The diagnosis came late that week (after days and nights of no sleep for everyone) when I finally called the doctor. Before then I thought, what do I say, my baby cries and I am such a bad mom I can't stop it? Waiting to see the doctor I had to wait in the atrium outside the office because Dexter screamed (big difference between whimpering and crying) the whole time. Patients walked by and looked on in horror. One dad had a stricken look on his face and asked, so how long has he been doing that? I was sweating I was so nervous. I was convinced they all thought I was some teen-age mom who had no clue how to hold/soothe my baby. I was sure they were thinking, didn't she read a book before she had this child? Anyway - the doctor was great and immediately said he thought it was probably a severe case of reflux. It was Friday, and he went so far to say that if I didn't see results soon then to take him to the emergency room as no baby should be screaming like he was for the length he was.

The doctor's diagnosis made me feel a mixture of relief and even more guilt. Relief that my suspicion something had to be hurting him was right (enough that the doctor suggested the emergency room for a full check up!), guilt that I waited all week to call the doctor. Turns out he slowly began to respond to the medicine and we now know for sure he has reflux. We're on the right course of treatment and are on the 6month (!!) waiting list to see a specialist.

But what about that guilt. Oh, it was still there. So, it's reflux - but that still doesn't tell me how to be a good mom. I had quite the pity party last week thinking I would never be able to be a good mom or able to work out a schedule that would allow me to leave the house. I was mad at the books, mad at the people who touted them as the perfect solution, and just mad that I didn't have it as easy as others. Then I realized, why am I relying so much on these books to fix everything? Why am I even trying to make the chart in the book become the main guide in my baby's life? What about prayer?

I know that the base knowledge I received from the books is coming into play as I have techniques to pray through (should I shush? should I white noise? should I wait 3 hours to feed him again?) but now I don't have to worry that Dexter doesn't fit the mold of the E.A.S.Y. child they promise. He is a baby with acid bathing his esophagus, but the Lord promises that "the grace of the Lord Jesus be with all."

Mistakes will be made. I know I will make the wrong decisions more times than not. I won't remember to pray nearly as often as I should. But, the guilt has no place in this new mom-son relationship. Hebrews 10:22 says we can come to the Lord to be washed of a guilty conscious. Romans 8:1 says there is no condemnation/disapproval/guilt when we are guided by the Holy Spirit. Not too get too spiritual, but it really has been true these past few days. I feel content and peaceful when before I was just shy from freaking out.

Thanks for the advice books. You've been helpful and I will keep you on the shelf, but you can't and won't ever give me the full help I need.