Who Will Comfort Dexter?

When Sander was in Finland a year or two ago, he picked up Who Will Comfort Toffle as a gift for then baby Dexter.  Tove Jansson is one of the most popular Finnish children's book authors -- she was like the Dr. Seuss of Finland.  However, her books are a tad more dark than her US counterpart.

So what does this have to do with Dexter?  Let me explain...

It was nap time at our house yesterday and Dexter was not having it.  He was yelling, kicking the wall, and not calming down.   I was putting Maxwell down, and while in the other room, I could hear Dexter getting more and more upset.  Now, it is easy to get reallllly upset as the mom when you just get a baby down and a toddler is just about to wake them up because they won't be quiet.  Especially when you have high hopes of both kids going down at the SAME time (cue harps and sunshine and everything nice!).

So, I went in and strongly told him to be quiet, as this isn't his normal nap-time behavior.  That just sent him over the edge.  I stood on the other side of the door and at first felt angry that he was disobeying and possibly going to wake Maxwell up.  Then I thought: this just isn't normal. 

In I went, and instead of correction, I just gave him a big hug, which he at first refused, then started to rub his back.  He instantly relaxed.  As I rubbed his back, I began reciting nursery rhymes he knew and had him close his eyes.  I started to recite a poem I had memorized, but one Dexter didn't know, and he looked up at me with a queer look in his eye and asked, "what you talking about, mommy?"  "Nothing my dear" was my reply, and I went back to the tried and true Little Miss Muffet, etc.  He was sound asleep in less than 5 minutes.

It was as I sat on the dge of his bed calming him down that I saw Who Will Comfort Toffle on the floor.

In the book, a boy who is isolated and afraid of many things goes on a lonely adventure, meeting all sorts of strange creatures along the way.  In the end he overcomes his fears and rescues a girl from an evil monster.  Together they make the transition from isolation and dread, to companionship and hope.  The next to last line says:

And Miffle knows, and Toffle knows, that both have seen the end
Of fear and fright and long dark night, now each has found a friend

I thought as I rubbed Dexter's back that perhaps this is how many toddlers feel?  The world is overwhelming and full of fearful things, and sometimes the way they act looks like it is out of line to adult eyes, but really what if they are just crying out for a companion to comfort them?  It takes discernment to know what time correction is needed and what time comfort is needed, but yesterday I knew it was time for comfort. 

So, dear Dexter, for now I will be the one to comfort you.  But, my dear, my deepest hope is that one day you find a friend who will stick by you to the end -- a wife who will love you and help you see the end of fear and fright and long dark night.  Because life is messy and frightful at times, even when you are big.

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Lord Peter Wimsey to the Rescue

Lord Peter Wimsey, you are keeping me sane. 

Somehow I never read Dorothy Sayers' Lord Peter Wimsey mystery books before this year.  I picked up Have His Carcase at my parent's house over the holidays and was hooked.  About this same time, a friend of mine who is getting her master's in English Literature, named her son Elliott Sayer.  I asked if it was after Dorothy Sayers, and it was!  She has all the books and suggested I borrow them to read in order after I had my baby.  She said it helped stave off postpartum depression for her...and so far it is for me as well.  They are the perfect combination of Hurcule Poirot and Jeeves and Wooster (which I have always loved!).  They keep my mind engaged and challenge me mentally, but also have that British wit that keeps things from getting too serious. 

I am actually glad to be awake some nights nursing so I can read a few more pages.

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From the Archives: Mom Guilt

Here is a post I wrote June 16th, 2009, when Dexter was one month old.  I thought it was good to remember at this early stage with Maxwell.  It is amazing what all I learned with Dexter...he certainly stretched me and broke me in as a first time mom.  Honestly, it is really refreshing to look back and realize that a lot of the guilt I felt with Dexter just isn't here with Maxwell.  Not that it won't rear its ugly head in new ways in the future...

Mom Guilt: Let Freedom Ring!

Tuesday, June 16

As a mom-to-be I of course read through as many recommended parenting books as I could find. I wanted to be the most prepared mom and these books promised me the 'best' way to do that. They promise contented babies who grow up to be responsible members of society...even the possibility they could sleep through the night by 4 weeks.

The old saying comes to mind: "if its too good to be true, it probably is."

Ok, not that these books don't all have some element of truth and helpful advice. Thanks for the new jiggle technique and the usefulness of white noise Happiest Baby; thanks for the benefits of following some sort of schedule Baby Wise; thanks for the E.A.S.Y. schedule Baby Whisperer. Each in their own way has helpful tips and has contributed to my overall understanding of mom techniques and how to relate to my newborn. But here is a warning - for my baby (and I am sure others) they don't even begin to solve all my problems. Additionally, I've come to realize these last few weeks, these books can also have a very negative effect on the first-time mom. Throw in postpartum blues, mom guilt, and a dash of isolation and you have the mix for the perfect storm.

Week 3 rolled around, my mom had left, and I was beginning to feel pretty confident doing this motherhood thing. I had my semi-schedule down, Dexter slept without a hitch between feedings, and he was more than content to be handed off to visitors whenever they stopped by. I figured I could be out and about in no time as I had the baby thing down. Then the screaming started. At first it would just be for a short time after eating and I figured it was a growth spurt. Just feed him a little more, he would drift off - problem solved. Then he started to wake up after 30min screaming. Hmmm...this was a little harder. Then began the 'discussions'. Should we feed him? No, he can't be hungry. But he won't stop screaming. Well, you know the book warns against feeding for every little thing. But he sounds like he is in pain - I want to help. Well, do you think feeding will help? Maybe we should just walk/shush/swaddle/etc more. Oh then came the guilt! Guilt that my baby is crying and I won't/can't help. Guilt I am creating a monster who will never 'self-soothe'. Guilt he'll never sleep through the night alone. Guilt he will only calm down now if I nurse him. Guilt, guilt, guilt.

The diagnosis came late that week (after days and nights of no sleep for everyone) when I finally called the doctor. Before then I thought, what do I say, my baby cries and I am such a bad mom I can't stop it? Waiting to see the doctor I had to wait in the atrium outside the office because Dexter screamed (big difference between whimpering and crying) the whole time. Patients walked by and looked on in horror. One dad had a stricken look on his face and asked, so how long has he been doing that? I was sweating I was so nervous. I was convinced they all thought I was some teen-age mom who had no clue how to hold/soothe my baby. I was sure they were thinking, didn't she read a book before she had this child? Anyway - the doctor was great and immediately said he thought it was probably a severe case of reflux. It was Friday, and he went so far to say that if I didn't see results soon then to take him to the emergency room as no baby should be screaming like he was for the length he was.

The doctor's diagnosis made me feel a mixture of relief and even more guilt. Relief that my suspicion something had to be hurting him was right (enough that the doctor suggested the emergency room for a full check up!), guilt that I waited all week to call the doctor. Turns out he slowly began to respond to the medicine and we now know for sure he has reflux. We're on the right course of treatment and are on the 6month (!!) waiting list to see a specialist.

But what about that guilt. Oh, it was still there. So, it's reflux - but that still doesn't tell me how to be a good mom. I had quite the pity party last week thinking I would never be able to be a good mom or able to work out a schedule that would allow me to leave the house. I was mad at the books, mad at the people who touted them as the perfect solution, and just mad that I didn't have it as easy as others. Then I realized, why am I relying so much on these books to fix everything? Why am I even trying to make the chart in the book become the main guide in my baby's life? What about prayer?

I know that the base knowledge I received from the books is coming into play as I have techniques to pray through (should I shush? should I white noise? should I wait 3 hours to feed him again?) but now I don't have to worry that Dexter doesn't fit the mold of the E.A.S.Y. child they promise. He is a baby with acid bathing his esophagus, but the Lord promises that "the grace of the Lord Jesus be with all."

Mistakes will be made. I know I will make the wrong decisions more times than not. I won't remember to pray nearly as often as I should. But, the guilt has no place in this new mom-son relationship. Hebrews 10:22 says we can come to the Lord to be washed of a guilty conscious. Romans 8:1 says there is no condemnation/disapproval/guilt when we are guided by the Holy Spirit. Not too get too spiritual, but it really has been true these past few days. I feel content and peaceful when before I was just shy from freaking out.

Thanks for the advice books. You've been helpful and I will keep you on the shelf, but you can't and won't ever give me the full help I need.

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Measure Measure

Dexter has really loved going to the Library every 2 weeks. I forgot my wallet one week, so after getting to the parking lot, had to turn around and go home. He began to cry, yell "books! back!" over and over, and generally was extremely put out we didn't get to go to the library that day. It was then I realized I might have a budding bibliophile on my hands. Hee hee. I hope!

One of his favorite books is Tip Tip Dig Dig, by Emma Garcia. Last visit to the library we found another book by the same author entitled Tap Tap Bang Bang. He has loved naming the tools and what they do. Since the book was such a hit, I decided to bring out my sewing tap measure so he could "measure measure" his toys for himself. It was a huge success and was the star feature that afternoon as we measured his books, his cars, multiple cars together, and various body parts.

I have to say all these new books we are trying out from the library are really expanding Dexter's vocabulary. After he reads a book he loves several times, he starts using key words or concepts from the book out and about in real life.

So, I have logged quite a few hours in our purple chair reading The Foot Book and Tip Tip Dig Dig, but it seems to finally be paying off. One book though has brought some interesting observations...as my previous post shows!

 

 

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New Ice Cream Maker

For Christmas I got this shiny new toy:

Oh, am I excited.

Tonight I decided to make my first batch of homemade ice cream. Unfortunately I didn't have the foresite to pre-freeze the canister, so I will have to wait till tomorrow to actually freeze the ice cream, but I did go ahead and cook up the base. I used the New Best Recipe cookbook by the authors of Cook's Illustrated and altered the basic chocolate ice cream. I added 2Tbl instant espresso with the sugar and will add chopped and toasted slivered almonds when I freeze it.

So far the base tastes great and I can't wait to try the finished product tomorrow!

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Stop and smell the ... fishes

We've been so busy the last few weeks. Sander was preparing and then taking the Professional Engineer's exam, Dexter and I travelled to see family in Fort Worth, my nephew turned 1, Halloween, and now preparing to go to the Republic of Georgia.

We have been running from one thing to the next it feels, and really I just want to take time and smell the roses...or point at the fishes.

I have been reading this amazing book called Bittersweet, by Shauna Niequist. If you have talked to me in the last week or so, you have probably heard me reference it as it has so many good, concise ways to say what I have been feeling the last 2 years or so. She is sharing her thoughts on many things, but it is mainly how to accept change well and how to live a life that is meaningful, not just full.

One of the last things I read that hit home was the desire to be a woman who accomplished it all with grace and ease. She talked about her ever growing to do list that finally just said: "DO EVERYTHING BETTER." Wow. It isn't just me that feels that way? I not only want to, but feel I ought to "do everything better." Have a clean house, be creative, raise well behaved kids, be spiritual in all things, go on romantic dates every Friday, have clear skin, etc. She shared that after talking to someone older and wiser she realized that it isn't hard deciding what/who you want to be, it is choosing what you will say no to in order to accomplish that goal.

Say "no"?

Her response to that revelation was to create a "things I don't do list." Her first item -- don't garden. Yes, others gain a great tie to the earth, a sense of the seasons and God's hand in new life, but for her, it just didn't make the cut. That was the point -- say no to things that don't line up with your overall goal.

As I am writing this, I realize this is just the point made at my last MOPS meeting. It was a talk on frugality and her point, budgeting time and money, isn't about saying no to everything, it is about saying yes to your "goals, beliefs, and values." Hmmm...maybe someone is trying to get a point across to me?

But back to that "things I don't do list." It is already giving me so much freedom! Today when I walked into my wreck of a laundry room I thought, "I should be sure and clean this before I leave town." But quickly I realized this was insanity. I didn't have time, neither did it really line up with my overall goal of the week which is to leave town sane and with some energy left to make it through a 24 hour flight and 10 hour time change! So, "will not clean laundry room before we leave town" went on my "will-not do" list. Ahhhh -- baby steps toward sanity.

Off to figure out what else I won't do this week and to ponder what all I can add to my life's "things I don't do list".

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